People say that birthdays and holidays are the hardest when you're missing someone. While that is 100% true, I find that the hardest days are the most random. It doesn't have to be a day where something big is happening or anything is happening at all. Usually it's a day where I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. To remember that you aren't here.
I hesitate to post things on your birthday, father's day, or even at all because I fear that people assume I am looking for pity. Why does posting a picture have to mean anything more than a remembrance and appreciation of the time we had together? Why is it any different than posting for a friends birthday? I post these things for myself. This generation's form of journaling. And sometimes other people need a little reality check - some perspective let's say.
I avoid telling new people I meet and friends I make what happened because when I do people go from 'I'm sorry' to an awkward silence of not knowing what to say. Like they are supposed to say something 'right'. As if somehow a person dying of suicide makes it worse than someone dying from a car crash. no. Death hurts no matter how it happens, and it happens a lot. The topic is almost seen as taboo, which is awful especially because of how frequent it is becoming and needs to be talked about.
Someone asked me why me and my sister never hit our bitchy teenage phase and the only response I could think of was because we had to grow up before we got there. Looking back, it was so long ago - not even a teenager yet, but somehow it still feels like yesterday.
I lay in bed some nights wishing you could have seen me travel the world for a few months. I watch movies where the girl misses her dad on her wedding day and think to myself 'that's going to be me'. I look back at old pictures and wonder what that last picture I have with you is.
Yes it's been almost 8 years. Yes, the grieving has passed. But the missing will never end. I know you are always with me. But that's a hard thing to convince myself to believe some days.
I wouldn't be me without you and the things that have happened the past 8 years. The past doesn't define me, but it has made me stronger, helped me appreciate things others don't, and given me a strong bond between mom and molly. I know you're happier now than you ever were and that brings me comfort. You're still here. Maybe you're the one who keeps triggering our Alexa out of the blue.
Love you dad.
Be seeing you.
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